This is a rough draft of the first chapter of a horror ficton short novel titled "Sepia". Please let me know what you think friends. Thanks.
There I was once again, sitting alone in the police station early in the morning. I’m talking three freaking o’clock here. The lights are off listening to the brilliant voice of John Coltraines trumpet thru my little brown eight by eleven radio. Slumped over my desk, Baily awake, staring directly into the computer like some damn zombie trying to bring this missing child home. Maybe if I took sometime and focused on finding a husband or whatever, I wouldn’t be so damn career driven. Then again, men are full of shit and that is the last thing I need in my own shitty life. All right enough with my self loathing here, got to put together the pieces to this recent kid napping of a seventeen-year-old cheerleader. Her name is Brenda Johnson . . . she was a straight A student and lived with her grandmother, very well behaved, looking to attend Howard University after her senior year. This is so sad! I’ve been the best detective in Utopia South Carolina for the past ten years. I have seen a lot of brutal and inhuman things people can do to each other, but anytime a innocent kid is involved I work harder to bring who’s ever behind it to justice. This just kills me inside. Her Grandmother may be already preparing for the funeral- what the hell am I saying here? I’m talking like she’s already dead. I just got this bad feeling inside that she is. When death calls what can you do . . . Ring, Ring, Ring, What kind of a nut would be up this early in the morning. Shit, it’s three thirty. What makes things even more out of place is that someone’s calling my cell phone- my work cell phone at that. I check the caller i.d. and it’s not a number I’m familiar with. These phones were given to me and the other officers in case of an emergency and the only people that would know the number would be my co- officers. Whoever it may be is smart enough at least to call from a phone booth, but I’m still one step ahead and tracked where the call is coming from. By pushing enter on my keyboard immediately the location of this unannounced caller pops up-Larvey Street, one mile away from utopia park. Larvey Street is where all the professionals live like doctors, lawyers and dentists. If this has anything to do with the case, this caller may just have given me some clues where to first ask questions.
“Hello, detective Williams speaking, how may I help you?” I said with one eyebrow raised. A voice shaking as though many earthquakes lied within answers, “Is this detective Williams?” “Yes, how can I help you sir?” I answered back.
This guy takes like sixty seconds in between every sentence to answer a freaking question. It is always best to hold your composure in times like these and keep a cool head and I will remember this next time, but today-
“Enough of the phone chess games okay pal.” I yelled. “Look I’m not going to be asking questions and waiting on your slow ass replies buddy, goodbye!” I continued.
Before I could slam the phone in his face or in this case push the off button on my cellular, he yells, “No, please, it’s about the sixteen-year-old bitch.” Nice to know that all Americans are educated in some fucked up way.
“Tell me where you are and I will come down there and we can talk.” I said. “Do you think I’m crazy detective, I’m not falling for that ok!” he replied. “Look just come down,” I said in my super calm voice trying to get us both where we are communicating with each other instead of yelling.
“A lot of strange things are happening and it all started with this slut.” he said trying to sound like a tough guy and keep a little masculinity in his voice. Yet I can sense he’s scared as hell.
“Since your so reluctant to meet me somewhere, what about giving me your name then, that would be a good start?” I said trying to get as much information out of this guy as possible.
I’ve been on this phone with this guy for at least thirty-minutes now and have gotten no where with this bum!
“I know who’s behind this!”, he yelled. “Now we’re getting somewhere.” I replied. “Can you tell me who is behind this?” I continued. “Those damn voodoo bitches or witches or whatever they call themselves.”, he said.
My eyes just rolled to the back of my head cause I know he’s about to put all the blame on the Azura tribe. Known to be very pro women. . .Well, I’m putting it mildly here, these women despises men. The truth is since I’ve been the lead detective here these women have been nothing, but peaceful and cooperate with the law. I mean, yeah, sure their weird and they practice voodoo and all kinds of crazy things, but they stay to themselves. I’m not saying this because my mother was a member. . . well maybe thats part of it. Regardeless, I feel this guy may be the kidnapper or knows the person that is so I play along to see where this may lead to.
“Damn azura trash!” I yelled! Trying my best to make him believe that I’m on his side.
“Finally we see eye to eye,” he said. What a jackass I thought to myself! “I gotta go.” he said.
“Her body can be located in Utopia Park in the woods.” he said.
Before he could hang up I could hear someone from the back swearing at him. I couldn’t hear that much, but what I did hear just maybe the clue I need to solve this case. That voice was dark and said something about staying at the players pen. Thats all I could hear and then he hung up. He was shaken up before, but even more so since that guy started cursing at him. What a call! Well, she’s dead! I’m not surprised what so ever. The two pictures I have of little Brenda I got from her files plays in my head like a slide show. All I can see is this innocent child in her Utopia bulldogs cheerleader uniform with her palm palms. I can’t began to imagine the pain her grandmother will feel once she gets a hold of the news. May god help us all.
There I was once again, sitting alone in the police station early in the morning. I’m talking three freaking o’clock here. The lights are off listening to the brilliant voice of John Coltraines trumpet thru my little brown eight by eleven radio. Slumped over my desk, Baily awake, staring directly into the computer like some damn zombie trying to bring this missing child home. Maybe if I took sometime and focused on finding a husband or whatever, I wouldn’t be so damn career driven. Then again, men are full of shit and that is the last thing I need in my own shitty life. All right enough with my self loathing here, got to put together the pieces to this recent kid napping of a seventeen-year-old cheerleader. Her name is Brenda Johnson . . . she was a straight A student and lived with her grandmother, very well behaved, looking to attend Howard University after her senior year. This is so sad! I’ve been the best detective in Utopia South Carolina for the past ten years. I have seen a lot of brutal and inhuman things people can do to each other, but anytime a innocent kid is involved I work harder to bring who’s ever behind it to justice. This just kills me inside. Her Grandmother may be already preparing for the funeral- what the hell am I saying here? I’m talking like she’s already dead. I just got this bad feeling inside that she is. When death calls what can you do . . . Ring, Ring, Ring, What kind of a nut would be up this early in the morning. Shit, it’s three thirty. What makes things even more out of place is that someone’s calling my cell phone- my work cell phone at that. I check the caller i.d. and it’s not a number I’m familiar with. These phones were given to me and the other officers in case of an emergency and the only people that would know the number would be my co- officers. Whoever it may be is smart enough at least to call from a phone booth, but I’m still one step ahead and tracked where the call is coming from. By pushing enter on my keyboard immediately the location of this unannounced caller pops up-Larvey Street, one mile away from utopia park. Larvey Street is where all the professionals live like doctors, lawyers and dentists. If this has anything to do with the case, this caller may just have given me some clues where to first ask questions.
“Hello, detective Williams speaking, how may I help you?” I said with one eyebrow raised. A voice shaking as though many earthquakes lied within answers, “Is this detective Williams?” “Yes, how can I help you sir?” I answered back.
This guy takes like sixty seconds in between every sentence to answer a freaking question. It is always best to hold your composure in times like these and keep a cool head and I will remember this next time, but today-
“Enough of the phone chess games okay pal.” I yelled. “Look I’m not going to be asking questions and waiting on your slow ass replies buddy, goodbye!” I continued.
Before I could slam the phone in his face or in this case push the off button on my cellular, he yells, “No, please, it’s about the sixteen-year-old bitch.” Nice to know that all Americans are educated in some fucked up way.
“Tell me where you are and I will come down there and we can talk.” I said. “Do you think I’m crazy detective, I’m not falling for that ok!” he replied. “Look just come down,” I said in my super calm voice trying to get us both where we are communicating with each other instead of yelling.
“A lot of strange things are happening and it all started with this slut.” he said trying to sound like a tough guy and keep a little masculinity in his voice. Yet I can sense he’s scared as hell.
“Since your so reluctant to meet me somewhere, what about giving me your name then, that would be a good start?” I said trying to get as much information out of this guy as possible.
I’ve been on this phone with this guy for at least thirty-minutes now and have gotten no where with this bum!
“I know who’s behind this!”, he yelled. “Now we’re getting somewhere.” I replied. “Can you tell me who is behind this?” I continued. “Those damn voodoo bitches or witches or whatever they call themselves.”, he said.
My eyes just rolled to the back of my head cause I know he’s about to put all the blame on the Azura tribe. Known to be very pro women. . .Well, I’m putting it mildly here, these women despises men. The truth is since I’ve been the lead detective here these women have been nothing, but peaceful and cooperate with the law. I mean, yeah, sure their weird and they practice voodoo and all kinds of crazy things, but they stay to themselves. I’m not saying this because my mother was a member. . . well maybe thats part of it. Regardeless, I feel this guy may be the kidnapper or knows the person that is so I play along to see where this may lead to.
“Damn azura trash!” I yelled! Trying my best to make him believe that I’m on his side.
“Finally we see eye to eye,” he said. What a jackass I thought to myself! “I gotta go.” he said.
“Her body can be located in Utopia Park in the woods.” he said.
Before he could hang up I could hear someone from the back swearing at him. I couldn’t hear that much, but what I did hear just maybe the clue I need to solve this case. That voice was dark and said something about staying at the players pen. Thats all I could hear and then he hung up. He was shaken up before, but even more so since that guy started cursing at him. What a call! Well, she’s dead! I’m not surprised what so ever. The two pictures I have of little Brenda I got from her files plays in my head like a slide show. All I can see is this innocent child in her Utopia bulldogs cheerleader uniform with her palm palms. I can’t began to imagine the pain her grandmother will feel once she gets a hold of the news. May god help us all.
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Sat, May 12, 2007 - 5:51 AMSecond short chapter of "Sepia" titled "Utopia Park"
There she was, beaten badly, naked with all her teeth missing just laying there lifeless in a Christ like position. Standing over her watching this soul less body lay stiff in the wet grass is almost too much to bear for me. She’s beaten, but I could still see her small crystal earrings as they continue to sparkle. I kneel down to her ears to get a closer look and just what I thought. A Mari Lasha set. How could a child living with her disabled grandmother from the projects afford an earring of that quality? Those pair of earrings sell for two thousand dollars. I would know being that I have a pair just like them from Becky’s jewelry shop. A small, but very expensive jewelry shop in utopia. My pair of earrings were given to me by Larry, my fellow officer for my birthday. He gets discounts because his uncle is co. owner of the shop. All the rich folks buy their jewelry from there. This is defiantly something to look into. She could have been having an affair with a married man. A lot of young girls from the projects and tralier parks end up sleeping with these much older men for money just to get by and for entertainment. This is so heart breaking. Looking back down at her face, one of her eyes are closed and the other open. I just wanted to break down and cry and I did. It was raining so it was diffucult for the other two officers and crime scene technician with me to notice the tears. There are more, four of Susan’s men are out here with us, but their so focused on getting the job done and collecting the evidence that the a bomb could drop and they wouldn’t even notice. It also helped that Officers Curtis Donners, officer Larry Summers and criminalists Susan Lacy were to busy trying to hide thier own tears rather paying attention to mine. How in the goddamn world could this of happened to a child. Whoever did this just left her little five and six inch body in the cold to rot. Just dumped her in the park for the other little kids to see what could happen to their innocence. She must of been dumped here last night after that chump called me. Thank god it’s five o’clock in the mourning and the kids aren’t outside yet. It’s Saturday and no school, so I know they’ll be out in a little. The perpetrators are smart, but I’m still one step ahead of them. The body is badly beaten, but with the tempture well in the twenties it is also well preserved. Criminals, no matter how they try to clean their tracks always leave clues behind. Susan Lacy is the best forensic science technician in the state of Chicago and I’m not saying that cause she’s my first cousin on my father side. She and the other four crime scene investgators collects the physical evidence. Once the evidence is at the lab Susan will conduct tests. The tests all include checking for fingerprints, medical, ballistics, semen and any links between a victim and the suspect, when we find one. “Well cousin, I’m off to the labs to run these tests” susan said while getting into the car with the other examiners. Alright then, I will have curtis keeping in touch with you.” I said bending over looking into the driver side off the car. She smiles and slowly drives off to begin the tests. “Officer Donners you report to me with new developemnts.” I said with a demanding voice. Donners just looks at me with a sad face that I’ve never seen from him before. “I’m on it.” he says calmly getting into his police car and driving off. He stands seven feet with the built of eight times Mr Olympia Lee Haney. When I say this cop is one of the best and toughest I truly mean what I say. This morning though he seems not to be the same man at least not entirly. He’s acting so much out of character that I begin looking at him as a suspect. I feel a little guilty, being that he’s my right hand man, my side kick, but at this point my feelings don’t matter. I have a grandmother at home alone grieving. “That could of been my daughter.” said larry sobbing his eyes out. Earlier we all tried to hold back our tears, but now larry just allows his emotions take over. “ I have an eleven-year-old daughter at home and I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost her.” he cried with his knees in the wet muddy grass with his head down. I place my hands on his shoulder trying to comfort him. “We will find this bum.” I said with confidence hoping that we bring this guy to justice before he hurts someone else. I look down at him and he looks back at me and I can see the pain in his eyes. I hope he sees the hope in mine. He quickly gets up and gathers himself. “ What am I doing crying in front of a woman?” He said with a smirk on his face. “It’s okay, I want tell the rest of the guys you’re a pussy.” I said trying to lighten things up a little. He just burst out with laughter for a good two seconds. “Thanks, I would appreciate that.” he replied. We hugged, got our game faces back on and back to solving this case. We got into our unmarked police cars. I looked at Larry from the passenger side and said. “Next stop to Mr’s Johnson’s home.” He lookes at me while starting up the ignition and said. “I hope you have some tear whipes.”
It’s going to be tough, but it must be done.
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Wed, May 16, 2007 - 3:37 PMWell all I can say is KEEP GOING. :-)
Also when posting short amounts at a time(thanks) can you break it up with some paragraphs and spaces between them, please. Humor me. Also...you said it is a first draft so I'll say nothing of all that needs cleaning up. :-) -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Mon, June 18, 2007 - 3:26 PMare you writing a whole novel on tribe? thats AWESOME!
i once heard about some one sending an entire novel to starbucks using comment cards. the workers are required to enter it into their database.
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Mon, June 18, 2007 - 4:47 PMNo i was just testing my skills in this format! I'm a comic artists, but i'm in love with the idea of getting these stories out there.
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Tue, July 3, 2007 - 10:04 PMI really like some of your imagery. You have an excellent idea of the scene in your mind, as well as emotional pulls for the first person character that you've decided to go with. You need to work on the grit and grease mechanics - better grammar, but more so, better punctuation. Another pain in the ass but important one is staying in the same tense, to maintain readability. Also, personally, I would avoid using words like 'freaking', because they're too deep in the vernacular and they tend to pull people out unless it's actual dialog. Of course, we're talking first person, so you might be able to get away with it, but I'd introduce your readers slow and steady. Wait to put the quirks in until you've really set the ambience (and character expectations) with some tried and true scenery and plot bricks. Give 'em a few boring moments that develop the character's personality - the peronsality that says 'freaking' in a jersey accent, black leather jacket squeaking and burning in the high noon sun while the rookie coroner once again makes a mess of the crime scene, for instance - before you throw them the hard-to-chew bits. You don't want them to spit up the fat before they've tasted the flavor :) If you're a comic artist, I can definitely see the visual influence in your writing. It would be a great expansion on what is clearly a very vivid and intriguing imagination :) Please, keep writing. You had some real Catcher in the Rye meets pulp crime novel mojo goin' there; just a little rough around the edges.
Also, bear in mind that I have no authority whatsoever for any of the advice I just gave you. *big grin*
And good luck! -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Tue, July 3, 2007 - 10:29 PMOh yeah, another big one - avoid the 'Tell'.
Don't cram in too much info. You don't have to tell the reader everything in the first thirty words. Let them guess on stuff, and work in the details in a natural, more chronological way. And whatever you do, don't 'tell' them something about your character's personality, or about the general underlying feelings.
For instance, consider:
Margaret was strong. She accepted the task because her upbringing prepared her for hard labor and little compensation. Her fellow inmates cried, but she did not because she would not let herself. She only stood still and waited.
Now, let's try using a subtler illustration of Magaret's character:
Margaret clenched her fists at her sides, but her pale face remained untouched. Her father's words drifted over her like a breath from the underworld, denying her those simple emotions that now struck tears on the rosy cheeks and shivering lips of her fellow inmates. She would not succumb; had not the vocabulary to comprehend it. She only stood still and waited.
The second one is a little longer, but it uses more incidental illustration, rather than using what sounds something like a documentary or lecture to describe Margaret's reaction to whatever awful thing she and her inmates have been tasked with. The more you can tell someone about your character or the situation without actually spelling it out line by line, the more they will be drawn into the charcter's world, by the sheer force of gravity. And don't be afraid to do a little extra work to set up a persistent theme. If your character is a sniveling idiot, then by all means spend a few extra paragraphs describing some event that clearly demonstrates that without saying, "And he was clearly an industrial grade, first-in-his-class, certifiable moron." Well, sometimes I think you can get away with that, as a kind of peppy flash intro, but I think it's hard to pull off without sounding pretentious--so buyer beware :)
And again, no cred--street, industry, or otherwise (with the exception of an entirely unpublished and mostly unread book I wrote), so take it for what it's worth. To you, that is. And I apologize profusely if this is all old hat to you.
And also, thanks and bravo for being brave enough to actually post your work. "Then he clicked on submit, without a moment's hesitation, before stretching long and scratching at a tender spot behind his ear. The beer was almost gone. Time for a run." *grin* -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Tue, July 3, 2007 - 10:36 PMOops, comma splice, I think: "the more they will be drawn into the charcter's world, by the sheer force of gravity". Bad me. :D Told ya I have no cred. -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Wed, July 4, 2007 - 9:34 AMKeep an eye on the grammer of the time period. IE: "We will met you there" types. Not too many people are that stiff. Especially in this type of situation. "We'll meet you there."
Quicker, more natural and keeps the words in flow. Keeps the readers from drifting in their attention.
Also, though I don't believe in foul language for the sake of it, when your looking at cops and medical examiners, remember, they have many faces. The professional one between departments, the inner deptment one and the one shown to the public. The Public one being more formal, the department one of straight facts and conclusions and the inner department one that lets itself unwind. Many Morticians have a very strange obsession with death, but in a mocking sort of way that the general public never sees.
If the charictor in it's real life says shit once ina while under pressure may say fuck. Just don't over use the colorful language. Keep the language to charictor. Let the charictors relax, be themselves.
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Sat, July 14, 2007 - 4:39 PMThanks so much for the kind words! Really i was expecting harsher criticism than that being that i'm not a writer and i really just said the hell with it... let me get these images and stories out there! I don't see myself as a writer never mind a good one, but to hear from real writers is awesome! Yeah my selfesteem as a writer is very low! Enough with the self loathing... what books would you recommend to help towards becoming a real writer friend? -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Thu, July 19, 2007 - 5:26 PMOoohh...I have many opinions on books about books :D I absolutely loved--and I know I'll get slack for it from those literary stuffy-pantses--Stephen King's "On Writing". I respect him so much more as a writer after reading that; that, and I dug the Gunslinger books :) I also am having fun reading "Eats, Shoots & Leaves", a classic by Lynne Truss. That's a great easy read for good punctuation and some simple grammar tips. I also picked up "The Writer's Little Helper" recently, partly for pure aesthetic value--it's this little hard cover by James V. Smith Jr., 20 bucks, and almost every page is a little quick hint or tip on just about every aspect of writing. I don't agree with everything he says, and I think he focuses a little too heavily on pure mathematics of writing, but it's fun to just open up to somewhere and ponder on what I think about the lesson at hand. Those are the only books I've gotten my hands on, as of yet. Well, those, and the Writer's Market. I'm gonna try and sell the novel I wrote. *big grin* Wish me luck!
Oh, yeah. My biggest and greatest help on writing has been other people's books. Absolutely, bar none, this is the best resource for understanding a) what you love to read about, and likely b) what you love to write about, and also c) how those people structure things and work it like a pro to keep you with them to the bitter end. :D -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Thu, July 19, 2007 - 5:39 PMOh yeah...I also read parts of Ayn Rand's book; I think it was called "The Art Of Fiction", or some such. She had some good points, but don't let her attitude fool you. It's your choice. She talks like she knows your God better than you do, (which is funny ha-ha, if you know who she is), but ultimately, she's old, and dead, and she knew her shit in her day like no other woman did. Did, for sure. Also, I bet she could kick my ass. And she's got this methodical way of getting you to anty up on things you keep saying you'll get to later, or maybe just leave be 'cause you reason that it's 'artfully abstracted'. She'll smack you around on every little dangling foundation, every misrepresenting detail, every cliched line, until you can't read your work without either breaking into tears, or fixing the damn thing right there on the spot. So, she's pretty cool like that. But don't take my word, or hers, for anything more than what it is. Somebody else's idea on how you should express yourself. Bah! -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Sat, July 21, 2007 - 4:22 AMThanks friend. I'm going to check some of those books out! I was always a fan of Steven King! Good luck with your novel, wish you would post a few teaser pages here!
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Thu, July 5, 2007 - 5:02 PMJust to offer another opinion: I do believe in foul language for the sake of it. Maybe youre not using enough foul language! -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Thu, July 5, 2007 - 7:35 PMPersonally, I like a mix. I enjoy a good curse or oath or swear when it fits the character's natural rhythm, but I feel pushed and prodded when an author is clearly just using it as a cheap and lazy mechanism to increase emotional tension without any other justifiable reason or force.
"Oh, I can't go with you, darling--I'm going to clean that fucking son-of-a-bitch kitchen drawer. It's been bothering me for weeks," she said with a smile, wiping her hands on her apron.
Just kidding, but I think you know what I mean.
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Thu, July 5, 2007 - 9:48 PMSo, so true. If it's not needed, don't use it. If it's outside the charitor's being, don't use it At the same time, if that's the way the ccharictor reacts to a sitation, make sure you stay consistant to the charictor's way of life. If not,... stay away.... far away.
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Thu, July 5, 2007 - 9:59 PMMaybe she's too chicken... (yeah, yeah I know... it's baaad) :) -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Fri, July 6, 2007 - 7:32 AMNo, not chicken, just a reader's perspective as well as a writers.
I've charictors that swear, but I don't have a middle class business man calling his wife or girlfriend a Ho.(sp?)
I just feel there's a place for it and a place it doesn't belong. -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Fri, July 6, 2007 - 10:10 AMSorry Deb -- I actually hadn't meant that ... well not literally ... but literally... it was a pun about "fowl language". :) Although I guess it should have been "not chicken enough". :P -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Fri, July 6, 2007 - 9:47 PMHay, I write sci fi and poetry not poultry!
:-) -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Fri, July 6, 2007 - 10:29 PMAh! The Poultry Crime Authors Writing Commonwealth (PCAWC) will be sorely disappointed at such lost opportunities for collaborative hatching of ideas. ;) -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Sat, July 7, 2007 - 9:31 AMHahahah...touche, Ike. I should write to my PCAWC-A-Doodle-Dues Officer, and demand higher standards for foul fowl around the globe. We WILL NOT REMAIN UNCLUCKED! -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Sun, July 8, 2007 - 10:48 AMCLUCK NOT PLUCK! CLUCK NOT PLUCK! -
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Re: New here and i would love some feedback.
Sun, July 8, 2007 - 12:19 PMBecareful heads aren't lost with talk like that. ;-)
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